Clouds that are Nimbus, Dull, and Assholes.

I have this cloud that follows me. It is a decent sized one, not always too dark but never really light and bright. This cloud sometimes is to my right, my left, above or below, It’s usually around whether I want it to be or not. pexels-photo-172881

I have had this cloud for a long time now, I can not even begin to guess when I noticed it. I know I was young, but only as I grew older did I start to notice it more, and that it seemed to bother me more now being a few years older, than it did in my younger years. Strange you see, this presumably grumpy grey cloud can and does have good days. Sometimes I even enjoy its shade. As of late everything seems to have changed colors, there is no grey anymore, now its charcoal all the time, not quite black and never really grey either.

All of my life I have dealt with the consequences that comes with this fluffy ball of dark grey mass. Knowing all of its ups and downs and even when sometimes it decides to go left instead of right. Many days and even many more nights have been spent tip-toeingstock-photo-yellow-childhood-child-baby-directions-maze-childhoodunplugged-7c3fc8f2-cc5d-4345-b1ee-2986bc850738.jpg around the maze, trying not to trigger anything the cloud doesn’t like. Here’s the difficult part, all too often things go unnoticed, or the cloud randomly decides that thing they used to love, now they hate it, and random stuff that they would never have touched before, well now that’s the cloud’s favorite. If only I were to get a rotating and updated do and do not list, love and dislike, or even just simple yes or no, life might get that much simpler.

Tonight I witnessed its very dark, stormy and, rainy weather. Honestly there was no way around it, I was led through the attack almost as if the cloud knew that if I walked this way in my socks, by the time I get close to it, all of the static electricity will build up enough that it would be able to amplify its lightening powers. To then only shock the ever-living shit out of my self.

It knew what it was doing, and It was just waiting, and while it was pouring, there were no questions asked it knew all my moves, where I was going and how to follow me there and bring the rain harder. This cloud has been with me so long that I never realized while I was studying its moves, it was looking into mine and memorizing everything they saw.

I had no defense, no umbrella, and no way to land this and win. I tried to just give in, and let this darkness entombed me, but the little voice inside me just said “fogettabout it” (heavy Italian accent) I’m not sure why.)

So here I am, I will not let this dark looming cloud, who is right around the corner, ruin the rest of my life. I am done letting it dictate how things are run and how my day is going to be. Goodbye cloud, get some help on your way out.

Peace love and above all,

Fuck you

❤ Vickey

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A Bird Vs. A Giraffe, Where is My Soul?

Living with my depression.

**My depression is not everyone’s depression. Everyone experiences things differently, and therefore should not judge nor belittle any experiences.**

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Life is a constant battle, no matter what you are fighting, the point is that there is a fight. Things in my life as of late have been great and I guess that I should be ecstatic about that, but I’m not.

Lets begin with them. I have a lot of family members with depression, and other mental issues, including my immediate family and extended, on both my mother’s and father’s sides of the family. Basically if I came out with no issues that would be a miracle. Now me; I have not been to a doctor, or a therapist or any other mental heath specialist. I don’t need them to sit there and tell me something I already know. I have mild depression, along with seasonal depression. Whoop-dee-doo!

I have not or will I be interested in taking medication to rectify or solve the issue. I usually can shake myself out of this funk after a couple of days or a week. Lately its seems that I can’t shake it, that there is not an ending in sight. Which sounds very dark, but truthfully honest.

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So what do you do/should you do to help rectify this problem?

Well, I substitute sad music for the happier sounding playlists, try to eat better, and drink more water. Tricking the thoughts in my head to try to be spun positive sometimes works, I can talk to friends about it, but not very often so I don’t bother them too much.

What happens when that doesn’t work?

When it doesn’t work I usually try to distract myself with things I like to do, like hobbies. Sometimes I just need a good drunk painting session, or a few hours with my piano, sometimes its just making a mess, other times I cook for what seems like days.

But none of that is working this time is it?

No, the last few weeks if not months I’ve had this looming cloud of grey just ready to surround me at any moment, and my arms are ready to just give it a big hug and welcome him home.

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Why do you think it is not going away? What has changed?

It is hard to say what has changed in myself, I have been living in more of a “ME” world. Meaning that when it comes down to them, or me, I have been choosing me. I guess I thought that I would feel happier that way, but I think it may be the opposite. There used to be good days and bad days, now I see more mixed days, where I have a great day and then night sucks, or visa-versa.

Most of the time people say that it’s their job that is holding them down, that they are not happy there, but I like my job. I like most of my co-workers, and the customers are most of the time great.

If you had to guess, what is the underlying issue to your thoughts and feelings?

Lately I’ve been pretty busy with both friends and family. Trips here and doing things there. The summer ended and fall has begun. Last week I went to Canada and I had fun and laughed, it was good. The only time that I really didn’t have the darkness looming, was when we were in the car.


In fact when I’m in the car jamming out to music I just feel alive, no not alive I just feel. It’s almost like I’m floating and having fun, thoughts leave my mind, music takes over and my soul just glows. My soul glows a bright gold, red, orange, pink, and purple, just like those lovely sunsets. Sometimes when I’m in the car I fall asleep (I’m a passenger, I don’t drive) and it is freeing thing, waking up in a spot that is different from where you last remember, and knowing that its okay. Sleep is a struggle for me most of the time, I have a hard time falling asleep and then when I finally do sleep, I tend to wake up every couple of hours for no reason. If I sleep in the car I just pass out, there is no feeling of dread, no hard to sleep times, and the sleep feels peaceful. I guess I just feel super comfortable in the car with music and friends and family. Most of my trips are with my best friend K.

I think you know but, if you were to be any animal what would you choose?

If you had asked me what kind of animal do I think I am, I would have said a giraffe. The more I think of what I would choose to be, it comes toward me like I’ve always known. A bird. I could fly. Imagine the places I could go, the things I could see, and I could come back too. Exploring would be easy, I wouldn’t have to wait and find a driver and friends I could go anywhere on my own, I could live anywhere, do anything!

So do you think that maybe you have started to feel trapped in the life that you are living?

Trapped is a hard way to describe it but, yes. I know that theoretically I am no more trapped than that bird I was talking about, but there are things and people who tie me to this place. I love going exploring places I have never been to, I even like to go out side and explore. When I was a child I never wanted to come inside, I could be found high up in trees with books and snacks, or out in the back making mud pies, even walking through the woods chasing the squirrels and looking for other creatures.

Now I go to work and come home and mess around on the internet, go to sleep and repeat. What id the point of that?! I guess I’m a little lost in life, because I don’t know what I want anymore, I have no clue where I want to go, no goals. Lost. I’ll find my way, I always do.

The only thing stopping me on some things is just what my body can handle. I do live on the larger side of the human body type, and the higher number on the scale constantly tells me that I can’t do it because I’ too heavy, but other than that I’m ready to go! Plus I don’t drive, so I will have to learn how to do that too, because I’m going crazy not being able to be like most other 20-something year olds. I miss out on life events, dates, parties, etc.. because I would never have my parents drop me off to things like that. YIKES!

pexels-photo-29082My depression lives with me, and I live with him. Some days are worse than others but most are okay. The darkness can only stay dark for so long before my light shines brighter than ever, and eliminates that evil monster living inside me.

Until next time


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The Cracked Glow Stick


Life is full of opportunities to be appreciative, thankful, and even grateful.

Not quite in my case lately.

Things have been going just as per usual, I try my best to be supportive and helpful, but I believe it’s time for me to move on for some people. I love my siblings, but as of late I feel more taken for granted than I ever have.

So here goes what went down to finally break me…

The 4th of July is independence day for America, and that gets pretty wild, but the 3rd of July is really where the party’s at. Evey year since I’ve been born (and for long before that) we- my family, give or take a few cousins, uncles, aunts, and or friends go down to Conesus Lake, Ny. I believe all the finger


image depicts a fire on a lake, but this is what the Ring of Fire looks like from shore to shore

lakes do this, but I’m unsure, anyways the event is called THE RING OF FIRE. Every 3rd of July people gather from near and far to party and enjoy fireworks, drinks, and fun. The reason it is called the Ring of Fire, is because around 9:00pm through 10:15pm all of those who have water front homes, trailers, or land, light flares, which creates the illusion that when looking around the lake there is a ring of fire. 

Usually everyone gets very drunk and has a great time. This year I was the exception. I brought one of my really good friends K, we slept in a tent in the side yard, and were just having fun being there.

The first fight.

It’s getting late on the 2nd, but that doesn’t really matter because the parties go on forever. Now when I say it was late it was before midnight, so no too late, especially how things go down there. My little sister just keeps yelling at me to calm down, to be quiet-er, to stop. Which was fucking ridiculous because I wasn’t even the loudest at the table -I wasn’t drinking-and surely the drunken neighbours screaming were louder than I. Oh but, I was too much. Whatever.

So basically every time I felt like I was having fun or enjoying my time with every one she would tell me to one of the aforementioned things. I just got sick of it, so finally I said something back and I do not remember what I said but she was upset.                ace-1822701_960_720

That was when I went too far, and if you ever had or have siblings you know this situation. I basically said “why are you even still part of this family” which hits a little deep in our family because we have had an Aunt that legally separated herself and family from ours (it was nasty for a long while, but not my story to tell.) Now I know looking back I should have said something else or nothing at all, but it’s too late now. I followed the argument back to our house and I was pissed like you would expect, but now my other sister and mother got involved, because you know the littlest sister was crying and “OMG The World is Ending” if she is upset, but it is 100% okay for me to be pissed.

I argued back and pressed how angry I was that she just kept telling me to shut up and be quiet and all that jazz, which is when my family took it as a joke, and said the usual “I do too” and “well duh you’re annoying” bullshit, that of course just pissed me off more.

Flash forward to the next day.. July 3rd. The Ring of Fire!

All day we kind of just hung out, at sometime we took a hike –adventure-1807495__340 which was way longer than we all expected then we headed back to get  ready for the party. Now I want to preface that I spent nearly 200 Dollars in food, drinks, and fun; my siblings and parents also bought stuff too… but not 200 Dollars worth. I had more friends coming down and so did my older sister, so I half expected her to help with things.


We pack a few bags to take down to the lake which is just across the street, literally less than a three-minute walk there and back. But that was way too much for them apparently. So I did that. my extra friends arrive and I’m still trying to set things up and



Conesus Lake at 4:45 am (I couldn’t sleep) My personal photo

greet other people- who weren’t even my guests- there was a lot to do. I’m running around like a chicken with no head and my guests are asking if they can help and of course I say no because that is what you do. They are guests for a reason. Here I am again asking my sisters to help, and still I get nothing.


  Conesus Lake at                    7:30pm-ish                  My personal photo 

Dinner was supposed to start at 5/5:30 pm but we didn’t serve until 6:30/6:45pm! I was pissed, people were waiting it was embarrassing! I only asked my little sister to light the grill upwards of 20 times and the rest of them just as much. 

I had some fun in between then and the next incident.

Glow Sticks! We buy, or I should say I buy a shit ton every year andglow-2345214_960_720 we all deck each other out in glow bracelets and necklaces even weird things like earrings and flags (you never know what I will find) but there is only one rule. Kids get decorated first that way you know that you will not lose them and they are always visible.

My older sister’s friend decided that he didn’t care what we had to say, or how things went, he wanted them and grabbed and even after I told him he continued to be an ass and grab. Insert 8-year-old style hissy fit here, I said fuck it, took my camera and phone (which was hooked up to the music) and cried my way back to our tent.

I fucking hated them. All I wanted all day was help, and for things to go like they are supposed to- I know how that sounds but like things that go that way because it’s what we do, not like things could go another way. So I wrote all of this shit down in my journal and stayed away from the fun for probably 20 minutes before my best friend K. came back to talk to me. Thankfully she calmed me down for the time being and then we went out and semi-enjoyed the rest of the party and fireworks.

K. and I went to sleep before everyone else, the night no longer was fun, and everyone who was having fun were the ones who pissed me off, so yeah. Then next morning K. and I packed up the tent and all of our stuff and were about to head out when mom caught us. She was surprized to see us packed but at the same time I think she knew there was no point asking me why we are leaving.

The best part of that weekend was the car ride

stock-photo-a-woman-with-her-head-out-the-window-enjoying-a-scenic-drive-through-the-sawtooth-mountain-range-in-322871705 to the lake and home, because my family wasn’t there and I could act like myself jamming out to music with my best friend, K.

July 4th. I spent the day inside up stairs and away from everyone. Fuck em.

July 5th. Wednesday. I had to go back to work and still I spent the day ignoring people with my headphones and silence. Only when I was literally standing up to go get ready for work did my mom finally say “what is wrong with you, you have been clearly upset since you got home, and you were angry at the lake and didn’t seem to have any fun.” My only response was to say “I wonder why” because I had to get ready for work, other wise I probably would have told her what was wrong.

July 6th three days later and I’m still pissed. Fuck em.

Fuck em.



(All images, unless otherwise stated, were sourced from and stockphotos.)

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Ghostly Co-Workers

So life never turns out how you planned.

So what?!stock-photo-graffiti-on-the-wall-angry-kid-on-a-green-background-fuck-you-448424563.jpg

Sometimes work pisses you off so much, that all you want to do is quit.

 I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to just walk out and leave my current job.

Say “si ya nara,” “adios bitches.” Bye! Good luck!”

 pexels-photo-126313.jpegpexels-photo-29082My job requires many skills, a major one is problem solving, and quick answers. Every time you turn around there is someone with a few questions, but no matter the answer it will seem wrong to someone. The fast paced work place works great for me, otherwise I find myself frequently distracted and bored. Which is not always a good thing, because that’s when I start doing something silly or distracting to others, most of the time it is doodling though.

The fun part of my shift is the ever-changing characters that come through. Part of my daily tasks deals with assessing and appraising items that customers bring in, and then dealing out cash for the previously sed items. You never know when someone is going to flip, and get extremely angry, or those who sell you sad stories to try to get sympathy dollars (it doesn’t work), even people who are happy with the outcome.

Yes I know people who are content, who knew that they existed anymore?! (Just for those who seem to not be able to read sarcasm. That was sarcasm.)

Yet I am still here, I will still come in, day after day, or night after night I should say. The only thing I guess that is a positive about being pissed, is that I still care. Tonight I was so angry, aggravated, livid, just purely pissed, at any and ebed-design-decoration-interiorverything at work but I still care. Showing some kind of emotion is better than those that come in looking like ghosts and just floating through the tasks at hand. Hopefully when, and if that day comes there will be another adventure to explore or a opportunity  to accept.

As the night has progressed I am not feeling so aggravated anymore – the writing is a big help to that and it is good to realize that I am or was not mad that I have this job. The anger was geared more toward differences in communications and just being overwhelmed.

pexels-photo-55624There were many times when I was younger that my mother, who is a nurse, would be in the same mental space I was in today. It just comes with the territory, hospitals are a high stress area, I mean you think the patients are stressed,try being the staff that has to take care of them and the rest of their family. Anyways, every now and again my mother and I would get in the car and just have a good day out on the town visiting her favorite stores and shops, having lunch in the mall food court, collecting job applications from nearly anywhere hiring. She always ended up filling out a few applications here and there, but we never went back to turn them in. I guess it was just therapeutic to have a great day and also think about sticking stock-photo-little-child-girl-plays-astronaut-child-on-the-background-of-sunset-sky-child-in-an-astronaut-394395106.jpgit to the man by quitting your current job and filling out applications to new jobs.

I like what I’m doing for now, let’s see what the near future holds.

(All photos and imagery shared from and

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The Grinch is Green, Am I Too?

I’m sorry.
I hate the holidays and my birthday. Which are both in December, one of the most stressful months ever. Right now I’m sitting in the yard of my old elementary school, with tears streaming down my face. All because of the fucking holidays. I just can’t handle what people become, and they never understand where I’m coming from.
So why am I hiding in the school yard? Because I’m a fucking redhead with a temper to match my hair, and instead of using it to hurt anyone else (physically or mentally) I’m hiding. The sad part is that I am not just hiding from others, I’m hiding from myself as well. No harm can be caused- self inflicted, and really who cares about a crying woman alone in a park. I just can’t go home yet, I know I will, I’ll do what I’m avoiding.
I just can’t anymore.
This ridiculousness that spreads throughout my family. Do you want to know what started this? My sister was upset that I was breathing a certain way in the car. Look how this escalated. BECAUSE OF THE DAMN HOLIDAY PRESSURE AND STRESS.

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Why I Don’t Sleep

It has become such a normal thing to me that, I forget normal people sleep and they constantly get 8 hours or more. I’ve never really slept on time or like others. As a kid I remeber always being up at like 11:45- which made me a God at school. I used to say it’s because that’s the time I was born, oh so long ago, but let’s be honest, I’m just not one for on time sleeping.
I hate sleeping. Because when I sleep I dream, and when I dream I wish for things in my future. Things as simple as kids or a family. Things that are seeminly becoming less probable. I just get lonely, I mean, who doesn’t?
I’ll get through this like I’ve done in the past, i’ll feel like complete shit for a few weeks and then hopefully I’ll cheer up. 😕

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Shame on You

(in response to a popular video right now titled “dear fat people” by Nicole Arbour. Which basically is a video about fat shaming, while saying fat shaming is non-existent, and was made up so fat people could say that their feelings were hurt.)

{full disclosure, fat shaming is real and there are rude ass people who say that it is ok, because they need a “little motivation.”}

It’s hard to speak up, and speak out against others who really don’t know what is going on in someones’ life.
Even if you are concerned about a friend/family member’s size/weight, how about you talk to them, help find an underlying factor, see if they even want to lose the weight. People don’t want to be fat, to just be fat. I mean It is not like a test, the higher pant size the better the grade, somethings just happen. If you are #fatshaming someone, FUCK OFF, they do not need you to tell them things they already know, they need you to say, ” I’m here, let me know if I can help with any kind of support.”

Because if I were to be honest, then I would have to say that I wake up every morning and tell myself that I’m ugly because I am fat, and then I spend the rest of the day saying that it’s not true, and that my beauty is not measured by my waist, or my fat rolls. I have to literally look at my self in the mirror and force myself to say that I am pretty, all because a bunch of people who are nowhere near my size decided that to be considered beautiful I had to be small, dainty, and fragile looking.

Society tells women especially, that beauty is what we strive for. Being a woman is hard, and it takes a tough soul to be able to make it all the through life. Since the day I was born all I have been told is that I was not beautiful. I was not the right size. I was too fat. I was too tall. I was too thin. I was too loud. I was too Masculine. I was too feminine. I was too original. I was too normal. I was never ok. What most people don’t realize is that even though we were tought as a child that

“sticks and stones may break my bones,

but words will never hurt me.”

They were wrong. Words are what hurt the most, because a bone will heal, a bruise will vanish, a scrape will scab. But a negative comment can ruin someones’ life.

I guess as adults we sometimes forget how hard it is to grow up and be told that the world is ours, all you have to do is follow your dream. We either grew up too fast, or not fast enough, life was never where I wanted it to be, and it never where I was. But being told that something or even everything I was, and everything that I wanted to be, was wrong, its one of those things you hold on to. Like when scientist do the tests with the mice in a maze where the prize in the center is cheese. Overtime that a mouse would come up to a dead-end, they would give him/her a tiny (non-harmful) little shock. Well after getting shocked a few times the mouse will learn that they are not supposed to go that way, so they go another away until they get shocked again. This goes on and on until the mouse reaches the cheese, and just in time for one of the other mice to begin this process from the beginning.

So what I’m trying to get at, is that society has brain washed us to all try to follow the correct path to finding the “cheese.” What if I take a wrong turn and find something better than cheese, like a tiny goblet of wine! Would they then say that I took a wrong turn and it wasn’t where I was supposed to be? Of course they would! In the end, we all try our best to find our own way, to a similar goal, and that is to live a happy long life.

But at the same time, being a large person is most likely unhealthy in some way, and we shouldn’t tell people to just settle with who they are, and what size they are. #LoveMyBody should not just be about the body that you currently have, but the one that is healthy, and the body that you are going to live in for a long time. I am a part of this “large and in charge” kind of world, and I am never content with what my body is doing, and that is ok. We need to continue to strive for something, and continue to move forward. What needs to be known is that as a large woman, I am trying my hardest to like who I am on the inside and out, but with all of this negativity on some layers of fat on my stomach, and my hips, people forget that under those layers is a human, who much like you is trying their hardest to not only make a mark, and make their life worth it, but to be HAPPY, and if you are tying to take that away from me, perhaps you should look in a mirror and see who should really be shamed.


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