Living with my depression.
**My depression is not everyone’s depression. Everyone experiences things differently, and therefore should not judge nor belittle any experiences.**
Life is a constant battle, no matter what you are fighting, the point is that there is a fight. Things in my life as of late have been great and I guess that I should be ecstatic about that, but I’m not.
Lets begin with them. I have a lot of family members with depression, and other mental issues, including my immediate family and extended, on both my mother’s and father’s sides of the family. Basically if I came out with no issues that would be a miracle. Now me; I have not been to a doctor, or a therapist or any other mental heath specialist. I don’t need them to sit there and tell me something I already know. I have mild depression, along with seasonal depression. Whoop-dee-doo!
I have not or will I be interested in taking medication to rectify or solve the issue. I usually can shake myself out of this funk after a couple of days or a week. Lately its seems that I can’t shake it, that there is not an ending in sight. Which sounds very dark, but truthfully honest.
So what do you do/should you do to help rectify this problem?
Well, I substitute sad music for the happier sounding playlists, try to eat better, and drink more water. Tricking the thoughts in my head to try to be spun positive sometimes works, I can talk to friends about it, but not very often so I don’t bother them too much.
What happens when that doesn’t work?
When it doesn’t work I usually try to distract myself with things I like to do, like hobbies. Sometimes I just need a good drunk painting session, or a few hours with my piano, sometimes its just making a mess, other times I cook for what seems like days.
But none of that is working this time is it?
No, the last few weeks if not months I’ve had this looming cloud of grey just ready to surround me at any moment, and my arms are ready to just give it a big hug and welcome him home.
Why do you think it is not going away? What has changed?
It is hard to say what has changed in myself, I have been living in more of a “ME” world. Meaning that when it comes down to them, or me, I have been choosing me. I guess I thought that I would feel happier that way, but I think it may be the opposite. There used to be good days and bad days, now I see more mixed days, where I have a great day and then night sucks, or visa-versa.
Most of the time people say that it’s their job that is holding them down, that they are not happy there, but I like my job. I like most of my co-workers, and the customers are most of the time great.
If you had to guess, what is the underlying issue to your thoughts and feelings?
Lately I’ve been pretty busy with both friends and family. Trips here and doing things there. The summer ended and fall has begun. Last week I went to Canada and I had fun and laughed, it was good. The only time that I really didn’t have the darkness looming, was when we were in the car.
In fact when I’m in the car jamming out to music I just feel alive, no not alive I just feel. It’s almost like I’m floating and having fun, thoughts leave my mind, music takes over and my soul just glows. My soul glows a bright gold, red, orange, pink, and purple, just like those lovely sunsets. Sometimes when I’m in the car I fall asleep (I’m a passenger, I don’t drive) and it is freeing thing, waking up in a spot that is different from where you last remember, and knowing that its okay. Sleep is a struggle for me most of the time, I have a hard time falling asleep and then when I finally do sleep, I tend to wake up every couple of hours for no reason. If I sleep in the car I just pass out, there is no feeling of dread, no hard to sleep times, and the sleep feels peaceful. I guess I just feel super comfortable in the car with music and friends and family. Most of my trips are with my best friend K.
I think you know but, if you were to be any animal what would you choose?
If you had asked me what kind of animal do I think I am, I would have said a giraffe. The more I think of what I would choose to be, it comes toward me like I’ve always known. A bird. I could fly. Imagine the places I could go, the things I could see, and I could come back too. Exploring would be easy, I wouldn’t have to wait and find a driver and friends I could go anywhere on my own, I could live anywhere, do anything!
So do you think that maybe you have started to feel trapped in the life that you are living?
Trapped is a hard way to describe it but, yes. I know that theoretically I am no more trapped than that bird I was talking about, but there are things and people who tie me to this place. I love going exploring places I have never been to, I even like to go out side and explore. When I was a child I never wanted to come inside, I could be found high up in trees with books and snacks, or out in the back making mud pies, even walking through the woods chasing the squirrels and looking for other creatures.
Now I go to work and come home and mess around on the internet, go to sleep and repeat. What id the point of that?! I guess I’m a little lost in life, because I don’t know what I want anymore, I have no clue where I want to go, no goals. Lost. I’ll find my way, I always do.
The only thing stopping me on some things is just what my body can handle. I do live on the larger side of the human body type, and the higher number on the scale constantly tells me that I can’t do it because I’ too heavy, but other than that I’m ready to go! Plus I don’t drive, so I will have to learn how to do that too, because I’m going crazy not being able to be like most other 20-something year olds. I miss out on life events, dates, parties, etc.. because I would never have my parents drop me off to things like that. YIKES!
My depression lives with me, and I live with him. Some days are worse than others but most are okay. The darkness can only stay dark for so long before my light shines brighter than ever, and eliminates that evil monster living inside me.
Until next time